Got any new statues in your house?

Chat about anything and everything.
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Damo
Posts: 48
Joined: Thu May 05, 2005 2:20 pm

LOL, nice one guys

Here you go, remember always buy your rubbers at woolies ;)


A young man goes into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Hello, could
you give me condom. I'm going to my girlfriends for dinner and I think I
may be in with chance!" The pharmacist gives him the condom and as the
young man is going out; he returns and says, "Give me another condom
because my girlfriend's sister is very cute too. She always crosses her
legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I think I might strike it
lucky there too." The pharmacist gives him a second condom and as the boy
is leaving he turns back and says, "Go on, give me one more condom because
my girlfriend's mum is still pretty cute and when she sees me she always
makes eyes, and since she invited me for dinner, I think she is expecting
me to make a move!
During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his left,
the sister on his right and the mum facing him. When the dad gets there,
the boy lowers his head and starts praying, "Dear Lord, bless this dinner
and thank you for all you give us." A minute later the boy is still
praying; "Thank you Lord for your kindness." Ten minutes go by and the boy
is still praying, keeping his head down. The others look at each other
surprised and his girlfriend is even more surprised than the others. She
gets close to the boy and says in his ear, "I didn't know you were so
religious." The boy replies, "I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist!"
10WER
Posts: 57
Joined: Mon Feb 13, 2006 2:17 pm
Location: Caboolture

i CBF writting long ones so here are a few lame yet stupid ones.

Why didn't the skeleton go to the party?

he had no BODY to go with!
---------------------------------
Why did pete fall of the swing?

Pete was a potato?
------------------------------------
why did the dog fall off his bike?

someone through a Fridge at him.
[img]http://www.sloganizer.net/en/style3,Mighty-spc-Boy.png[/img]
10WER
Posts: 57
Joined: Mon Feb 13, 2006 2:17 pm
Location: Caboolture

i just thought i might do the ye' old copy and past from my emails and paste em here

I was awoken the other night to a loud noise at the front of the house. Opening the front door, i saw a mysterious man trying to steal our front gate!

I was going to yell out for him to stop, but i thought he might take offence.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What did the blonde’s left leg say to her right leg?

A:Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, If Im going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman.

She removes all her clothing and asks, Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, Here, iron this.
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Nelson Mandella , Hitla and Michell Jackson are on the sinking TITANIC

NELSON says "SAVE ALL THE KIDDS"

HITLA says " F**K THE KIDDS"

and JACKSON says "DO YOU THINK WE HAVE TIME ?????"
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Q. How do you make a one armed Irish Man fall out of a tree

A. Wave to him.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
[img]http://www.sloganizer.net/en/style3,Mighty-spc-Boy.png[/img]
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cuz
Posts: 51
Joined: Sun May 09, 2004 6:52 pm
Location: cessnock

A ford driver, a toyota driver & a mighty boy driver were sitting at a bar, talking about sex.
The ford driver said, when I finish making love with my wife I tickle her all over and she almost levitates.
The toyota driver said, when I finish making love to my wife I spread honey all over her breasts and lick it off and she does levitate 10 mm off the bed.
The mighty boy driver said, when I finish making love to my wife I wipe the old fellow on the curtain and she hits the roof. :o`
cuz
10WER
Posts: 57
Joined: Mon Feb 13, 2006 2:17 pm
Location: Caboolture

had to think twice for that one.
[img]http://www.sloganizer.net/en/style3,Mighty-spc-Boy.png[/img]
User avatar
evilgidget
Posts: 342
Joined: Tue Apr 13, 2004 10:22 pm
Location: Newcastle, NSW
Contact:

Humor from my office inbox this morning
Tool Definitions

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly
painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under
the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls
and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say,
"Ouch...."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their
holes until you die of old age.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available,
they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of
your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside
the wheel hub that you want the bearing out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or *
socket you've been searching for, for the last 15 minutes.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack
handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward
off a hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbors to see if he has another
hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog **** or horse **** off
your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known
drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on
everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large pry bar that inexplicably
has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the
handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a
drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin,"
which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside,
it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same
rate that 105-mm Howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first
few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its
name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; but can also be
used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that
travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty
bolts last over-tightened 58 years ago by someone at ERCO, and neatly
rounds off their heads.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50¢ part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not
far from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well
on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles,
collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage
while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also the next
tool that you will need.

EXPLETIVE: A balm, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which somehow
eases those pains and indignities following our every deficiency in
Foresight.
User avatar
Damo
Posts: 48
Joined: Thu May 05, 2005 2:20 pm

Cardiologist's Funeral

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge
heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.

The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart
forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes
stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own
funeral........I'm a gynecologist."

The proctologist fainted.
ELWOOD
Posts: 41
Joined: Sun Jun 12, 2005 8:00 pm
Location: Maclagan(toowoomba)

3 guys are in a bar bragging about presants they have bought their wives.

The german guy tells the others he just bought his wife a new porsche and it does 0-100 in under 4 seconds

very impressive the others think but

The itillian guy says he just gave his wife a new lambo and it does 0-100 in 3 seconds

Then the ossie says well i just got my wife something that does 0- well over 100 in under 1 second, bullshit the othe guys call him a liar and say that nothing on earth is that fast
So yhe ossie pulls out his wallet and shows them the reciept for a new bathroom scale.
Formally known as Jay.
ELWOOD
Posts: 41
Joined: Sun Jun 12, 2005 8:00 pm
Location: Maclagan(toowoomba)

When i got home from work the other day my girlfriend asked me to take here out to somewhere expensive,
So i took her to fill the car up.


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How do you know when you get a fax from a blond

Its stamped

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why dont blonds have coffee breaks

Because it takes to long to retrain them.

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Did you hear about the 2 blonds found frozen to death in their car at the drive in

They went to see closed for winter

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What did the farmer say to the chook on his roof,

Get off

What did the chook say back back

Cluck cluck
Formally known as Jay.
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