Got any new statues in your house?

Chat about anything and everything.
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Damo
Posts: 48
Joined: Thu May 05, 2005 2:20 pm

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the
front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby
oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until
I tell you," she said, " pretend you're a statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh it's a
statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one
for us, too." No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up and went to the kitchen and returned with
a sandwich and a beer. "Here," he said to the statue, have this. I stood
like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned
thing."


If you see a new statue, make sure you offer him a sadwich and a beer ;)
10WER
Posts: 57
Joined: Mon Feb 13, 2006 2:17 pm
Location: Caboolture

lol,

we should make a Sticky of jokes,

heres a "your mumma" joke for you's

Your mummas that fat she fell of boths sides of the bed at once.

Your mummas that fat i ran outta petrol trying to drive around her.

*compliments from fordlaser.com
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Damo
Posts: 48
Joined: Thu May 05, 2005 2:20 pm

LOL, here ya go, a ghost story (all true ;))


John Bradford, a Sydney University student, was on the
side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm.
The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.
John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door, just to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel.

John, paralysed with terror, watched how the hand appeared every time they came to a curve. John saw the lights of a pub down the road so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and asked for two shots of tequila. He then started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through.
A silence enveloped everybody when they realized he was crying and....wasn't drunk.
About 15 minutes later, two guys walked into the same pub. They were also wet and out of breath. Looking around and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar,one said to the other,
"Look, Bruce.. here's the f*cking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it."
10WER
Posts: 57
Joined: Mon Feb 13, 2006 2:17 pm
Location: Caboolture

lol
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ceej
Posts: 1122
Joined: Mon Jan 09, 2006 10:34 pm
Location: Canberra, ACT

HAHA!!! :rofl:
Garry. Nuff sed!
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ceej
Posts: 1122
Joined: Mon Jan 09, 2006 10:34 pm
Location: Canberra, ACT

I got one to add...

There is a zuchini who has a really hot date with a pumpkin, so he takes her out to dinner and these really rough potatoes show up and start hitting on the pumpkin. So after dinner the zuchini goes outside to deal with the potatoes and gets beaten half to death. So he goes to hospital and is put on life support.

A few days later, one of the potatoes is feeling guilty and decides to go see the zuchini in hospital. He asks the doctor how he is going and the doctor says..."Theres good news, and theres bad news. The good news is he will be leaving in a few days, the bad news is, he is gonna be a vegtable for the rest of his life" :P
Garry. Nuff sed!
10WER
Posts: 57
Joined: Mon Feb 13, 2006 2:17 pm
Location: Caboolture

Three girls were at the pub getting drunk all night, so they finally got up and made the decision to go home, so made their way home.

The next day they all meet up at the pub and tell each other on the bad experiences they had when they got home.

The first one said when i got home, i took the car out for a ride and smashed it into a tree and i have no insurance.....

The second one said, when i got home i got into a huge fight with my husband and knock over a candle and burnt the entire house down....

And the third one said when i got home i blew chunks all night.

The first two said thats not so bad.

The third lady replied, you don't understand, chunks is the name of my dog..
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ceej
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Joined: Mon Jan 09, 2006 10:34 pm
Location: Canberra, ACT

:oops: :keke: hehe.
Garry. Nuff sed!
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Damo
Posts: 48
Joined: Thu May 05, 2005 2:20 pm

A government funded study

The American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After 1 year and $180,000 they concluded that the reason that the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.After the US published the study, the French decided to do their own study. After $250,000 and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.
New Zealanders unsatisfied with these findings conducted their own study.After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.50, and 2 slabs of beer, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting himself in the forehead.
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Damo
Posts: 48
Joined: Thu May 05, 2005 2:20 pm

WHO SAID MEN WEREN'T SENSITIVE


A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect and
they end up leaving together. They get back to his apartment and she
notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy
bears.
Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor,
cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous
bears on the top shelf along the wall, the woman is surprised that
this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so
extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is
quite impressed by his sensitive side. She turns to him... they
kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes.... After an intense night
of
passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the
afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"

The guy says:
"Help yourself to a prize from the bottom shelf."
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evilgidget
Posts: 342
Joined: Tue Apr 13, 2004 10:22 pm
Location: Newcastle, NSW
Contact:

The Italian Tomato Garden

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig
his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His
only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to
plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here my troubles would be over. I know you
would dig the plot for me.
Love Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried
the BODIES.
Love Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived
and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to
the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatos now. That's the best I could do under
the circumstances.
Love Vinnie
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evilgidget
Posts: 342
Joined: Tue Apr 13, 2004 10:22 pm
Location: Newcastle, NSW
Contact:

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although
his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one
day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a
divorce for him - "very quick." The lawyer said that the speed for
getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the
following questions:

LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"

POLE: "JA, JA, acre and half and nice little home."

LAWYER: "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

POLE: "It made of concrete."

LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"

POLE: "No, we have carport, and not need one."

LAWYER: "I mean, What are your relations like?"

POLE: "All my relations still in Poland."

LAWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

POLE: "Ja, we have hi-fidelity stereo set and good DVD player."

LAWYER: Does your wife beat you up?"

POLE: "No, I always up before her."

LAWYER: "Is your wife a nagger?"

POLE: "No, she white."

LAWYER: "WHY do you want this divorce?"

POLE: "She going to kill me."

LAWYER: "What makes you think that?"

POLE: "I got proof.

LAWYER: "What kind of proof?"

POLE: "She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on
shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say, 'Polish Remover'
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evilgidget
Posts: 342
Joined: Tue Apr 13, 2004 10:22 pm
Location: Newcastle, NSW
Contact:

Peter met Sharon in a nightclub. They enjoyed each other's company very much and at the end of the evening Sharon invited Peter to her place, where they quickly got involved in a very passionate and energetic session in bed together.

Finally, tired and satisfied, they both lay back in the bed and snuggled up close to each other.

After a short while, Sharon began tenderly stroking Peter's manhood. Surprised but appreciative, Peter comments, "Surely you can't be ready for more already?"

Sharon replies, "No, but every now and then I get a bit nostalgic, and I miss the days when I had mine."


:x Terrible, I know...
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ceej
Posts: 1122
Joined: Mon Jan 09, 2006 10:34 pm
Location: Canberra, ACT

EWWW!!! Good though :lol:
Garry. Nuff sed!
10WER
Posts: 57
Joined: Mon Feb 13, 2006 2:17 pm
Location: Caboolture

heres another one,

Elton John is filling for divorce as he heard his partner is having sex behind his back.

heres on oldy a bit rude but i find it funny all the time,

Why don't tampons talk?
because they are stuck up cunts

if i have insulted anyone just om me and i'll delete it or get a moderator to.
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